Relationships

I Remember

 

(Prepare yourself for a long read)

 

They say you never get over your first love

I’m here to tell you that you never get over the second either

Don’t awaken love until you’re ready for it

I beg you 

 

Because it’s not worth it

Not worth the pain

Not even the regret

Don’t tell yourself it was fun while it lasted when in reality it wasn’t

If I could have seen into the future I would’ve never given this a chance

Never let the seed be planted into shallow ground

It wasn’t the foothpath and there were no thorns

But the seed still sprouted quickly

I really fell for you

 

It sprouted ever so slightly

Not developing any real roots

No leaves. No flowers

Then I watched it

Felt it

Wilt away

Pieces of the stem withered away like dandelions blowing in the wind

Why did I allow my heart to be crushed into tiny little pieces while I slept?

You chipped at it

Slowly

I am near to the brokenhearted and I save the crushed in spirit

It was never worth it

At night I stay up and feel the tears drip down the side of my face

It’s not easy

It wasn’t meant to be

That’s what I tell myself

I feel alone

Fear not for I am with you

I will wipe every tear from your eye

I will strengthen you

I will help you

 

I feel the scar deep in my chest

It hurts more because I can’t see it

It aches each time I flip over on my side

It’s in a deep dark place I can’t reach it

I dig through my memories

I try to blur out your face

Your smile

The way your hand felt when you grabbed mine

The way your forehead creased when you tried to concentrate

How could you say you love me and then turn your back on me?

You left me

I know that I’ve forgiven you but it still hurts

Hurts even more because I can’t see it

I can’t see the cuts because they run deep

I don’t want to keep replaying the scenes of when you were a good person

A real person

 

When we drove over to the lake

And we had lunch and I laughed at your jokes while you laughed at mine

I can’t get it out of my head

I know every detail because I remember it clearly

I remember the grey sweatshirt you were wearing on our final meeting day

I remember the McDonald’s coffee cup in your car’s cup holder that had been there for 2 days. I kept telling you to take it out, silly.

I remember the scar on your left hand, close to the knuckle in between your pinky and ring finger.

I remember

Your flesh and your heart may fail but I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever

 

It hurts more because I can’t see the pain

At least if it was on my skin I could use a bandaid

At least if it was on my skin it would heal faster

The scar tissue would eventually cover up.

But you can’t bandaid a broken heart

I was so excited. So blind. I didn’t understand.

Trust. Trust in Me. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Me; I’ll make your path straight.

Some days and most nights I wonder what life would be like if we hadn’t met

If I’d never said yes

I could’ve been a little stronger

A little more trusting

A little more loving

A little more…

Me

 

 

 

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