(Prepare yourself for a long read)
They say you never get over your first love
I’m here to tell you that you never get over the second either
Don’t awaken love until you’re ready for it
I beg you
Because it’s not worth it
Not worth the pain
Not even the regret
Don’t tell yourself it was fun while it lasted when in reality it wasn’t
If I could have seen into the future I would’ve never given this a chance
Never let the seed be planted into shallow ground
It wasn’t the foothpath and there were no thorns
But the seed still sprouted quickly
I really fell for you
It sprouted ever so slightly
Not developing any real roots
No leaves. No flowers
Then I watched it
Felt it
Wilt away
Pieces of the stem withered away like dandelions blowing in the wind
Why did I allow my heart to be crushed into tiny little pieces while I slept?
You chipped at it
Slowly
I am near to the brokenhearted and I save the crushed in spirit
It was never worth it
At night I stay up and feel the tears drip down the side of my face
It’s not easy
It wasn’t meant to be
That’s what I tell myself
I feel alone
Fear not for I am with you
I will wipe every tear from your eye
I will strengthen you
I will help you
I feel the scar deep in my chest
It hurts more because I can’t see it
It aches each time I flip over on my side
It’s in a deep dark place I can’t reach it
I dig through my memories
I try to blur out your face
Your smile
The way your hand felt when you grabbed mine
The way your forehead creased when you tried to concentrate
How could you say you love me and then turn your back on me?
You left me
I know that I’ve forgiven you but it still hurts
Hurts even more because I can’t see it
I can’t see the cuts because they run deep
I don’t want to keep replaying the scenes of when you were a good person
A real person
When we drove over to the lake
And we had lunch and I laughed at your jokes while you laughed at mine
I can’t get it out of my head
I know every detail because I remember it clearly
I remember the grey sweatshirt you were wearing on our final meeting day
I remember the McDonald’s coffee cup in your car’s cup holder that had been there for 2 days. I kept telling you to take it out, silly.
I remember the scar on your left hand, close to the knuckle in between your pinky and ring finger.
I remember
Your flesh and your heart may fail but I am the strength of your heart and your portion forever
It hurts more because I can’t see the pain
At least if it was on my skin I could use a bandaid
At least if it was on my skin it would heal faster
The scar tissue would eventually cover up.
But you can’t bandaid a broken heart
I was so excited. So blind. I didn’t understand.
Trust. Trust in Me. Lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Me; I’ll make your path straight.
Some days and most nights I wonder what life would be like if we hadn’t met
If I’d never said yes
I could’ve been a little stronger
A little more trusting
A little more loving
A little more…
Me
