Self love

Tension Headaches

I realized today that I might have a problem

I was trying to figure out why I get so worked up sometimes

Why I can’t leave any stone unturned

No I’s undotted

And no T’s uncrossed

Sometimes I’d get so annoyed with myself for being overwhelmed

 

I stress myself out to the point of incapability

Where I fall asleep at 3 in the afternoon because I’ve already used up all of my energy

It was probably supposed to last me a 12-hour day

But by mid-day I can’t see

I’ve got a headache

I get headaches a lot

Today I looked them up and they’re not even migraines

They’re like tension headaches

Yo, you can get a headache from thinking too much?

Overworking your brain?

Since when?

 

God it feels terrible

I wanted to cry at work today

I was working on an excel file

Organizing data

And I could not even get up to refill my water bottle

I was thirsty

Parched

But I wouldn’t get up

I wasn’t done with the excel

In the past I’ve joked around and said oh I’m a little OCD about this or that

But wow…

Today I really realized that if I had gotten up to get water

I wouldn’t have been able to think about anything else

But getting back to the excel

Am I paralyzed by my work?

 

It’s not even my job

It’s my extra curriculars too

Things I do for my family

For my friends

It gives me joy to do these things but it also disables me

And it’s sad because of all of these works won’t even matter

It’s sad because no one even knows how much I struggle internally

No one knows why each little task I do is so important to me

It must be done correctly, ethically, completely and all at once

There is no stopping to do it later

I cannot get it off my mind

 

Deadlines are like ticking clocks in my brain

Someone gives me a deadline and I give myself even less time to accomplish it

Not because I’m proud

Not because I’m a show off

I want to get it done

I’m excited to be given a task

I want to complete it

 

Just as I race to complete this note I’m writing to myself

I want to let it out

Because it’s good to reflect, right?

But I just stopped to take in a deep breath

If I don’t I’ll work myself up over nothing

This isn’t even an assignment

It’s not homework

No one is waiting for me

No one has a gun to my head saying I must do this

Why do I put so much pressure on myself?

Do other people get this way too?

 

It’s nearing midnight and I should go to bed

It’s hard not to think of the million things I need to do

But I’m learning y’all

I’m learning about this thing called rest

I’m learning to love myself and my imperfections

I’m learning to be human

 

I didn’t think it would be so difficult

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