I realized today that I might have a problem
I was trying to figure out why I get so worked up sometimes
Why I can’t leave any stone unturned
No I’s undotted
And no T’s uncrossed
Sometimes I’d get so annoyed with myself for being overwhelmed
I stress myself out to the point of incapability
Where I fall asleep at 3 in the afternoon because I’ve already used up all of my energy
It was probably supposed to last me a 12-hour day
But by mid-day I can’t see
I’ve got a headache
I get headaches a lot
Today I looked them up and they’re not even migraines
They’re like tension headaches
Yo, you can get a headache from thinking too much?
Overworking your brain?
Since when?
God it feels terrible
I wanted to cry at work today
I was working on an excel file
Organizing data
And I could not even get up to refill my water bottle
I was thirsty
Parched
But I wouldn’t get up
I wasn’t done with the excel
In the past I’ve joked around and said oh I’m a little OCD about this or that
But wow…
Today I really realized that if I had gotten up to get water
I wouldn’t have been able to think about anything else
But getting back to the excel
Am I paralyzed by my work?
It’s not even my job
It’s my extra curriculars too
Things I do for my family
For my friends
It gives me joy to do these things but it also disables me
And it’s sad because of all of these works won’t even matter
It’s sad because no one even knows how much I struggle internally
No one knows why each little task I do is so important to me
It must be done correctly, ethically, completely and all at once
There is no stopping to do it later
I cannot get it off my mind
Deadlines are like ticking clocks in my brain
Someone gives me a deadline and I give myself even less time to accomplish it
Not because I’m proud
Not because I’m a show off
I want to get it done
I’m excited to be given a task
I want to complete it
Just as I race to complete this note I’m writing to myself
I want to let it out
Because it’s good to reflect, right?
But I just stopped to take in a deep breath
If I don’t I’ll work myself up over nothing
This isn’t even an assignment
It’s not homework
No one is waiting for me
No one has a gun to my head saying I must do this
Why do I put so much pressure on myself?
Do other people get this way too?
It’s nearing midnight and I should go to bed
It’s hard not to think of the million things I need to do
But I’m learning y’all
I’m learning about this thing called rest
I’m learning to love myself and my imperfections
I’m learning to be human
I didn’t think it would be so difficult
