In my senior year of college I stopped biting my nails
In my senior year of college my mom got sick
We heard she was sick in October
Again
But then she had surgery
She had the surgery
She got better
.
So I stopped biting my nails
For my mom
Because she got better
Because she’s been wanting me to stop
Since I was 12
I wanted to stop before
But I couldn’t
But in my senior year of college I did
For my mom
Because she was better
Because she was sick
Then she was getting better
She would be proud I thought
.
At graduation I showed my mom my beautifully grown nails
Filed
Painted
Pretty
My nails had never grown past my short little fingers
For as long as I can remember
I could bite them down to my skin
Gross I know
I used to get really nervous
Or bored
Or tired
Or all of it
Anyway
I stopped in my senior year of college
I showed my mom at graduation
She was proud
She said good job
.
I was happy
Because she was better
Because she had had the surgery
She was better
I was happy
Because my nails were growing
And I wasn’t biting them
Just like she wanted
.
After graduation my mom got sick again
But I kept my nails growing
I kept them long
An occasional nibble here and there
I still got nervous
At the hospital
And tired
And bored
But I wanted my mom to get better
.
And for a while she did
She laughed
She played
I didn’t show her my nails but I knew she knew
She would be proud
I would show her when she got home
From the hospital
She would say good job
And smile
.
One year after college my mom went to the ER
She was sick again
And again
And again
I didn’t care about my nails
.
I was glad when she came home
But then it got rough
I held her at night as she cried
She wailed
She coughed
She vomited
.
I held her on the floor as she cried
Called out for help
I held her at night
Begging her to eat
Take the medicine mommy
One more spoon you can do it
.
I held her in the morning
On the way to the shower
It’ll be nice and warm mommy
You’ll feel so much better after
.
I’ll be right here mommy
I’m right here…
.
I didn’t care about my nails
At this point they were short again
But I didn’t care about my nails
I would show her when she got better
.
The doctor said the surgery wouldn’t help
They did scans
Gave new drugs
I continued to hold her
I’m right here mommy
.
I kissed her forehead and massaged her head
I held her every chance I could get
And I didn’t care about my nails
Now my nails are short again
As short as they were before my senior year of college
Before October
Before my mom got sick
.
Mommy isn’t here
I’m not right there anymore mommy
You left mommy
You left me
.
Now I have no one to hold
I have no one to hold
I have no one…
To hold
